Brand Spanking New, Y'all!!!!!

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

So here's a one act play I just finished. I'm sure that it's fairly obvious as to where I got the idea and who inspired which characters. Enjoy and as always, feedback is always welcome! God’s Confidant

A Play By Meredith R. Cornett

ACT I
Scene One

Riley steps up to a white desk in a white room. Behind the desk, a person sits and talks on a white phone. The person cups their hand around the mouth of the phone.

Receptionist: Can I help you?

Riley: Yes, I am here to see God. I have an appointment with him today.

Receptionist (flipping through a white datebook): I don’t…see him having an appointment for today…

Riley: He does. I’m Riley.

Receptionist (putting down the phone): OH! You’re Riley! Riley, from Earth! I am so sorry, you’re gonna have to forgive me. You see I’m new up here, freak accident…I didn’t even see the truck coming. It just side swiped me BAM! I was in the hospital in a coma for two weeks. You know comas aren’t as bad as everyone makes them out to be? I mean, I did feel rested. Well, after two weeks I suppose my family decided to take me off life support. Anyway, long story short, I’m here!

Riley: Uh-huh.

Receptionist: I’m sorry, I must be boring you to death.

Riley: Oh, no it’s not that, it’s just…my appointment?

Receptionist: Of course! Step right through that door (points to the door behind the desk).

Riley steps through the door. God is sitting on a red recliner. He’s got a martini with two olives in one hand and a cigarette in the other. He wears white rimmed sunglasses and a pink feather boa and a red smoking jacket. He also wears a tight black t-shirt that says in white writing “It’s all about me.”

God: Riiiiley, dahling! (He stands up and meets Riley half way)

Riley: Hi, God.

They both kiss each others’ cheeks with a Muah! Sound. God walks Riley over to the recliner. Across from it is a red couch. A coffee table sits in between them with a tray of sandwiches in the middle.

God (sitting down in the recliner): Sit, sit Riley, dahling sit. Martini?

Riley: No thanks.

God: Cigarette? (He reaches into his side breast pocket of his jacket)

Riley: No, I’m good.

God: Well, at least try some of these finger sandwiches. Jesus was in the kitchen all day making these when he heard you were coming. Remind me to thank him later.

Riley: Okay (takes a sandwich and bites into it). Mmmm! That is good!

God: Yeah, that boy sure knows how to cook. I mean, whoda thunk that lemon juice would taste good in tuna salad? But the boy knew what he was doing, do I just let him do it and two thousand years later, people finally caught on.

Riley: So what did you want to talk about?

God: Jeez, straight to Final Jeopardy with you, huh? Why are you in such a hurry all of the sudden?

Riley: Oh, no, I didn’t mean any disrespect. I just…y’know…I’m curious.

God (laughing): I can always count on you for that – curiosity. I love it! I mean, with me, I’ve really got nothing to be curious about. But you people…you…you’re always wondering what’s gonna happen next, what’s going on with who…it’s just so cute! (Pause) Okay, okay, I won’t keep you in suspense any longer! I have got something to tell you! So you know your girl, Lana?

Riley: Yeah…

God: Okay, so she’s been going around telling everyone that she’s a lesbian, but really…she’s still been sleeping around with guys!

Riley: Really?

God: Oh yeah, honey. Don’t let her fool you. At least one guy a week. And…she likes it! This ain’t one of those “I just need to make sure type of things.” No, no! She loves the cock. She loves pussy to but also loves the cock.

Riley: Why would she say that she’s a lesbian if she really isn’t?

God: For attention, honey. That’s why that girl does anything she does and says anything that she says.

Riley (gasping): Wow.

Receptionist (through an intercom): Your two o’clock is here, sir.

God: Oooh! That’s Muhammad! We’re going to exchange award winning apple pie recipes! FUN!

Riley: Well thanks for having me over.

God: Oh, the pleasure is all at this end. (They hug and kiss each other on the check). Next week, one o’clock. Be here on time!

Riley: I will (Riley opens the door; Muhammad steps through)

Muhammad: Hey, Riley.

Riley: Hey, Moe. Good to see you!

God: Later, Riley. Don’t let the door hit you where I split you!

Scene Two

Lana and Riley sit at a table at a café.

Lana: So thanks for inviting me out for lunch, Ri.

Riley: Oh, no problem. We need to catch up with each other!

Lana: Totally.

Riley: So, what’s been going on with you?

Lana: Oh, you know… (Pause) So, I’m really feeling more comfortable with my lesbian-ness. I mean, I have a date tomorrow with this girl, Mattie. I mean, Mattie how butch is that? I mean next thing you know we’ll be going to Home Depot together and…

Riley: I’m sorry.

Lana: For what? That I’m gay?

Riley: That’s the thing. You’re not.

Lana: I’m not?

Riley: No you’re not. (The server comes to the table). Coffee with cream, please.

Lana: Riley, how would you know that I’m not gay?

Riley: You still sleep with guys. And you like it.

Lana: That’s…not…

Riley: What? True? Oh yes, baby I know it is.

Lana: Well…even if it is….what business is it of yours anyway?

Riley: It’s not about it being my business. It’s about it being obvious

Lana: Oh yeah?

Riley: Yeah. It’s obvious that you like men and women equally. Just admit it, you’re bi and just leave it at that.

Lana: Well…yeah, I sleep with men. But…I like women more. To me, that makes me a lesbian.

Riley: No it doesn’t.

Lana: Yes it does.

Riley: NO IT DOESN’T!

Lana: YES IT DOES!

Server approaches the table.

Server: Can I offer you something to drink, miss?

Lana (picking up her purse): No, I was just leaving. (Exit Lana)

Scene Three

Riley walks through the door. God is sitting on his red recliner in his usual outfit. Across from him sits a woman wearing a leather mini shirt, thigh high black boots, and a low cut corset-looking top.

God: Ri! You’re a bit early, but please come in.

Woman: Yes, I was just leaving.

God: Riley, you remember Mary?

Riley:…Magdalene, right?

Mary (laughing): Please, like I’m anything like that square. No, I’m the Virgin…y’know, Jesus’s mom?

Riley: You’re the Virgin Mary?

Mary: Hey, just because of the name and just because I’m a momma doesn’t mean I can’t get down with the rest of ‘em!

God (shaking a martini): The name is full of irony.

Mary: Oh God! You make it seem like I’m a full blown whore…does he really need to hear the whole story?

God: Oh for Pete sake, Mar…this is Riley! He’s my confidant. So, it was a good two thousand years ago when I got this invitation in the mail for this party in Demascus. I heard all of the who’s who were gonna be there. So I knew I just had to be there. So I went down, looking absolutely fabulous. Well, I had my eye on David and Jonathan that night. They were drinking lots of punch and it didn’t look like three was gonna be a crowd in their bed that night, if you know what I mean. Anyway, about fifteen martinis later, I cannot find those little fuckers. Someone said they got into a lover’s quarrel, others said that they just had to go home and do each other. Either way, I wasn’t getting any. Well, I saw Mary from across the room and she had it goin’ on! She was wearing something quite similar to this, only shorter and tighter. Well, at any rate she looked great and I thought, hell, why not give it a whirl just one time? So, we went back to my place and…well, you know what we did.

Mary: I gave him a call a month later to tell him that I was pregnant…he was so cute about it all. Because it was him, I could say it was Immaculate Conception and still get hitched to Joseph.

God: Yeah, I have a way of making everything just…work out in the end. (Takes a sip of his martini)

Riley: Wow, so that’s how that happened?

God: Yep.

Mary: Oh, don’t let him fool you. He acts like that was the first time too many martinis and straight sex have even entered into the picture. Lest we forget Leda and you coming down to Earth as the swan?

God: That was different. That was more of an interest with bestiality…not women.

Mary (sarcastically): Mmm-hmm.

God: Okay, I admit it. I do have a bit of a bi side. Well actually, it’s more of a tri side, because I’ll try anything! But hey, you know my motto, I’m only God once!

Receptionist (through the intercom): Mother Theresa’s on line one, sir.

God (groaning): Er, damn it I hate talking to her sometimes. It’s always, “yes I know there’s more work to be done on Earth,” and “no I will not send you back down to Earth.” I just wish I could tell her to have a martini or something. Anyway, I’m sure I have to take this so I best bid you two adieu. Sorry we didn’t get much of a chance to talk Riley. Stop by tomorrow around noon, if you can. Ciao, dahlings! (picks up the phone) Hello? Yes…yes, I know that there is still a lot of work to be done on ear…no, no, No I cannot send you back down, just…have a martini or something, Tessie…

(Exit Riley and Mary)

Scene Three

Riley sits at the dinner table at home; Riley’s mother, father, little sister and little brother are there.

Mother: It’s so nice to have the whole family back here. Riley, I’m so glad you could make it home for the weekend. Let’s say grace. (All bow their heads). Most Holy and Immaculate Virgin, Help of the Christians, we place ourselves under your motherly protection. Throughout the Church's history you have helped Christians in times of trial, temptation and danger. Time and time again, you have proven to be the Refuge of sinners, the Hope of the hopeless, the Consoler of the afflicted, and the Comforter of the Dying. We promise to be faithful disciples of Jesus Christ, your Son, to proclaim His Good News of God's love for all people, and to work for peace and justice in our world. With faith in your intercession, we pray for the Church, for our family and friends, for the poor and abandoned, and all the dying. Grant, O Mary, Help of Christians, the graces of which we stand in need. May we serve Jesus with fidelity and love until death. Help us and our loved ones to attain the boundless joy of being forever with our Father in heaven.

Everyone (except Riley): Amen.

Riley (trying to hold back laughter): Amen.

Father: Is something funny, Riley?

Riley: Not to be disrespectful, but yes…that prayer is funny.

Mother: And what is so humorous about the Prayer to Mary to Help the Christians?

Riley: Well, for one thing…calling her an Immaculate Virgin is hysterical. Jesus wasn’t the product of an Immaculate Conception…God knocked Mary up!

Sister: What does that mean, Mommy?

Mother: Riley! You see what you’re doing by saying such nasty things!

Riley: It’s true!

Father: Well, it is, I guess…in a rather vulgar way…

Riley: No, it’s true! You see, there was a party in Demascus and God got really drunk. He originally wanted to go have a threesome with Jonathan and David…

Brother: Threesome?

Mother: You shut your mouth Riley Morgan O’Brien!

Riley:…But then they left to go do each other. So God had no one to go home with…oh, by the way, I probably should have said this before, but God’s gay…I mean, he is flaming…so, anyway…he sees Mary and is like, what the hell, it’s a party…so that’s how Jesus was conceived. (Long Pause) What?

Father: What in God’s name are you talking about?

Riley: God! I’m talking about God!

Mother: You are talking blasphemy!

Riley: No I am not!

Mother: And how do you know?

Riley: God told me!

Mother: God told you? Where? In a dream? Dreams can often be misconstrued, Riley.

Riley: No, God actually told me!

Mother: Well, God told me things too! God told me through prayer and going to church and reading my Bible not to listen to any garbage that I might hear about what is and what isn’t the word of God.

Riley (quietly): whatever

Father: Leave, Riley.

Riley: What?

Father: LEAVE RILEY! I will no longer allow you to disgrace our faith and our home. So just, go, Riley.

(Exit Riley)

Scene Four

Riley walks into God’s room. God is wearing track pants and a shirt that says I (heart) Boys. Across from him is a man instructing him in yoga.

God: Hey Riley. You remember Vishnu? He’s my yoga instructor.

Riley: Hi, nice to meet you.

Vishnu: Likewise.

God: He’s been helping me with my downward dog. (Whispering to Riley) God, I wish he was gay. Anyway, Vishi, we’re gonna have to end this early. I have some important business to discuss with Riley here.

Vishnu: No problem. See you Thursday for pilates.

God: You bet, sweetie.
(exit Vishnu)

God: God, he is HOT! Mmm! I really wish he was gay! But hey, I guess if I really, really wanted him to be gay, I would have made him that way. So sit down. I have something to tell you!

Riley: What is it?

God: Are you okay, honey? You look a bit peaked.

Riley: No, I’m alright.

God: Are you sure?

Riley: Yeah, I’m good.

God: I’ll get you some tea. (gets up and pours tea into a cup) This stuff is great. Buddha was recently in India and decided to pick up some of this. It’s called white tea. It’s fabulous. Ooh, and if you’re interested in some other herbs that he picked up…

Riley: No, it’s really okay.

God: Oh, okay. Well, so I have some news about your friend Jack.

Riley: What?

God: Apparently, Jack is dead broke. He spent half his money gambling and the other half making his apartment look…rich.

Riley: Really?

God: Oh yeah, honey. He spent every last dime.

Riley: He doesn’t act like it.

God: I know. That’s what makes this so delicious. Ooh, and speaking of delicious, guess who Jack slept with the other night?

Riley: Who?

God: None other than Miss Lana!

Riley: No!

God: Oh yes! They did the nasty!

Riley: I can’t believe it!

God: Believe it, honey. It’s true (He lights a cigarette)

Receptionist (through the intercom): Your one o’clock is here, sir.

Riley: Ooh, that must be Buddha. He’s been nice enough to stop by and do a little guided meditation. I got to put this out. He is such a pain in the ass about the drinking and the smoking. Anyway, make an appointment with the receptionist for next week.

(Exit Riley)

Scene Five

Riley is with Jack in Jack’s apartment.

Riley: Have you decorated this place recently?

Jack: Yeah, got some stuff from Pottery Barn. Doesn’t it look great?

Riley: Um yeah it does…

Jack: Yeah, I got some extra money when I went out to Vegas.

Riley: Really?

Jack: Yeah…why? (laughing) You think I’m lying to you. (Pause). What?

Riley: I don’t think you’re lying. I know you’re lying, Jack.

Jack: What? What are you talking about?

Riley: You lost half your money while you were in Vegas and then spent the other half on redecorating your apartment.

Jack: Riley, I…

Riley: Don’t even try to deny it. I know that’d s what happened. How are you expecting to pay for all this, Jack? Huh?

Jack (beginning to cry): I…I don’t know…

Riley: Yeah, well you should’ve thought of that before you spent and gambled away all of your money.

Jack: Well since when are you the authority on this? Like you’ve never spent money frivolously before?

Riley: But we’re not talking about that, sweetie. We’re talking about you. (Riley puts his head down). What, you can’t handle the truth? Or are you getting upset about Lana?

Jack: What are you talking about?

Riley: I know about you and Lana and I think that you were taken advantage of.

Jack: I knew exactly what I was getting into. And how did you here about this?

Riley: I have my ways.

Jack: Well…why is that your business anyway? See, you always do this, Riley. You always stick your nose where it doesn’t belong. You act like your opinion is the word of God or something. (Riley laughs a little and smiles) Oh my God, you really do believe your opinion is the word of God, don’t you? You know what? Just leave.

Riley: Why? Because you don’t want to hear the truth?

Jack: No, because I’m sick of hearing your version of the truth. Leave!

(Exit Riley)

Scene Six

Riley walks up to the receptionist’s desk. The receptionist is on the phone.

Riley: I need to speak to God.

Receptionist: Hold on, sir, I…

Riley: Now! It’s an emergency!

Receptionist: Okay…hold on. (pushes button on the phone) Sir? Riley’s here to see you. Can he come in?

God: Sure.

Receptionist: Go right in.

Riley steps into the room. God is sitting in his recliner with his typical outfit on. He sits across from Jeffery Domer.

God: Riley, I haven’t seen you in weeks my dahling! Have you met Jeffery Domer?

Riley: Jeffery Domer?

God: Yes.

Jeffery: Pleased to met you. God’s told me so much about you.

Riley (to God): With all due respect, sir…why are you talking to Jeffery Domer.

God: Well, many people have asked me that. I mean I figure that if I’m gonna talk to Jesus and Buddha and Vishnu, then I need to talk to people like Hitler and Stalin and good ole Jeffery right here.

Riley: Why?

God: Well, for one thing, I highly doubt that I’m the God that they’ve been worshipping their entire lives. I mean, to see their faces when they figure out that I am, indeed, they’re creator, they’re destroyer and everything in between is always such a rush. Besides, they bring up good points. I mean, talking to them I can see how you little fuckers can get to be a pure pain in the ass…and not in the good way honey.

Riley: So…it’s okay for people like that to kill other people? Is that what you’re saying?

God: No, I never said it was okay. But now, I understand. After all, I am supposed to be all knowing and all understanding, aren’t I? Well, how do I do that if I can’t talk to everyone equally? So, is this an emergency, sweetie? Because Jeffery and I are in the middle of tea.

Riley: Um, yeah, kind of…

God: Okay, Jeffery I am so sorry, but I’m gonna have to cut this short. But feel free to reschedule with my receptionist in front. (they hug and kiss on the cheek). Good bye, dahling.

Jeffery: Buh-bye God! Buh-bye Riley, hope to see you again soon!

(Exit Jeffery)

God (shaking a martini): So what’s up, sweetie?

Riley: What’s up? What the hell do you mean, what’s up? You know exactly what’s up.

God: Hmmm…that I do. I know that your close friends won’t talk to you anymore and neither will your family.

Riley: Yeah, all because I told them what you told me. I mean, I just told them the truth.

God: Yeah, but they didn’t know it was the truth.

Riley: Yeah, but you told it to me. Shouldn’t that be enough?

God: Wait, who was it exactly told you to tell everyone?

Riley: Eh…you did?

God: No I didn’t.

Riley: Well then why would you tell me all that stuff?

God: Well, this may surprise you, but it ain’t all about you. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to. Nobody ever just sits down to listen to me…to listen to all my juicy gossip.

Riley: Well, then why me?

God: Why not you?

Riley: No seriously, why me? I don’t get it, you know me, I’m just an honest person. I’m honest to a fault. If I know something, I’m gonna say it. I can never keep a secret. So, why tell all this stuff to me?

God (sighs): Well, maybe I fudged a bit. Because a huge part of it does have to do with you.

Riley: Well, what part of it does?

God: Oh no, I’m not going to give it to you that easily. You can figure it out. Just listen to what I’m not saying.

Riley: WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

God: Shhhh…just…be quiet. (pause)

Riley (quietly): Okay…okay…you tell me your secrets…because…because…be…cause…you want…to teach…me that…no matter how right I am about something…it isn’t my job to give everyone my opinion.

God: Bingo!

Riley: Well, that doesn’t make sense. I mean, if I’m right, I’m right, right?

God: True, but…

Riley (pause): But…

God: No, no…you finish it…

Riley: Come on, God!

God: Come on, Riley! You know this is what I do best!

Riley: Okay, okay…it is true, but…but…being right all of the time…means being…alone…

God: Again, bingo!

Riley: So, even though I was right…I should go apologize to Lana and Jack and my family?

God: Oh hell yes, honey.

Riley: Even though my word was the word of God.

God: Yes, unless you’re okay with being right and alone.

Riley: Well, then I should go. (Begins to exit) Hey, can I ask you a question?

God: Anything my darling.

Riley: I was not the first one to be your confidant, was I?

God (laughing): Of course not.

Riley: And I’m not gonna be your last, am I?

God: Nope. I need to find someone else just like you to take your place.

Riley: So I guess this is goodbye?

God: Oh I’ll be around honey. I’m not going anywhere.

(Exit Riley)

THE END

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