A Brutally Honest Post

2038-01-19T03:14:07Z

Weight: 150
Exercise: Yoga (10 Mins), Pilates (10 mins), walking over 7 blocks in the loop (about 20 mins)
Cigarettes: 8 (but going to Wise Fools tonight, so that might change...)
Food: Veggie sandwich at Costello's (their hummus is to die for!), two slices of cheeseless pizza, 1 piece of garlic bread (that was naughty of me...so naughty), about 2 liters of water, 1 sugar free red bull, about 7 tic-tacs
Goal: 120, ASAP!!

I want to loose 30 pounds...and I want to do it quickly. I think I might do a detox diet...I wonder if you can still smoke on a detox diet?

I'm sure people think I'm selling out...yeah and no. Yes, I'll admit it to anyone I want to cahnge my body. I am sick of being a size 12. I am sick of having these fat birthing hips. I am sick of everyone telling me I have a huge ass ("honey...it's a compliment!" kiss my fat ass) I'm sick of "martyring" myself for something. I mean, who am I? The curvy girl's spokesmodel? NO! I don't need to live and think and do everything "for the curvy girls." I wanna do nthings for me....because if not now, when the fuck am I gonna do it? In my 30s? In my 40s? In my goddamn 50s? I am in my 20s! I deserve to have a fucking hot body. I deserve to be hot. I deserve to be somewhat selfish (I'm trying to keep some level of modesty...)

I do feel a little embarrassed, though, because I feel like I've been such a fool: all the time that I tried to tell myself I'm hot and that I look good...I've just been a chubby girl fooling herself. I have lost at least 10 pounds in the past few weeks (I think it could be closer to 15...but I haven't started weighing myself until recently, so who knows) and that's good. But I can't do what I always do: I can't give up. I can't just say "I look good now, I can have that slice of chocolate cake" or "One day off won't hurt." I want to come back from winter break and have people do a double take. I wanna be FUCKING HOT when winter quarter starts up again. And if you are gonna comment on this (which I haven been debating whether to make this public or private...I'll make it public and see how it goes) don't write "you are hot, you're a beautiful curvy girl, blah blah blah." Don't wanna hear it because it's a load of bullshit.

And while I'm on the subject...can we just all cut the bullshit about finding curvy women more attractive than skinny women? I honestly think that people only say that because it's the PC thing to say and if they dare say I like skinny women, they'd get crusified. LEt's be real: you all would take Gisele Budchen over Emme any day (I would). You'd all take Naomi over Queen Latifa, too. And no one ever tell me that "I'm a woman who looks like a woman" ever again. Supermodels and actresses look like women too (they just so happen to look like thinner women). Oh, one more thing: I never wanna hear that I wouldv'e been hot in the Renissance ever again. That's not a fucking compliment! At least I don't take it that way. It's not the Renissance...I want to be hot now! It just seems like the next part of that thought is...but you're a fat nasty pig, now.

So...why now? Well, for one thing I would like to try to call an end to this love/hate relationship I have with my body and I feel like I would feel a lot better about myself, but besides that....I have a HUGE crush. Yep, again...total sellout. He's a frat boy (ie totally out of a 5'6" size 12 girl's league). I don't think I really have a chance with him (or most people, for that matter) in this body. It's been a bit of a bombshell, but not many people find me that attractive. I really wish this wasn't that big of a deal for me, but...again, I'm 21...at my age, attractiveness is important. We all want to feel attractive. I want a chance, just a chance, with this guy. I want heads to turn. I want to be a beauty.

Day One's keyword: Honesty (If you don't like my brand of it, take me off your friend's list)

Meredith Jones's Diary

A Brutally Honest Post